Game in the Brain

So I’m currently having challenges with mindfulness. Experiencing things more vs. my sense of self. Those mechanisms of self are what helps me plan. Narratives help make me aware of problems, discomfort, and distractions. I can imagine myself doing active meditation more, allowing my thoughts to stream through and observe them with no judgment. My problem is that judgment is part of my conditioned response. 

Writing as I do now is “the Self” with the burdens and problems it creates, but it is also the actions and solutions that it creates. 

There are these two opposing values in Mindfulness – Experiencing things in the Presence vs. The forethought of a human that can solve problems. 

That’s I guess my problem – I can’t solve problems in mindfulness. I can solve my discomfort and my unhappiness with mindfulness – but how do I become someone who can still craft detail plans and measure risks. 

How do is the Me who meditates still care about my goals and objectives. How does the being involved in the flow of sensations, thoughts, and the world able to help? 

So I got into Solo Leveling Manga, and I lose all track of time. Just like when I lose all track of time when I write. Some things give me pleasure that isn’t so much a direct endorphin hit but more of a quieting of my anxiety and fears. 

I understand the negative feedback loop I create when I anticipate and fear pain. That there is less pain when I am more embracing of the negative experiences. I cannot help but think of my negative thoughts and get caught up trying to struggle to accept them and finding myself losing my sense of time. I run into the problem that my pain gives me Penalties to do what’s right for me. But then just yesterday, I realized I work out for the healthiness it makes me feel and the pleasure. Is this how Skilled Mindfulness people keep their productive habits, accepting the pain, and looking forward to the pleasure of the preventive and improvement activities? 

So now I spend moments visualizing and remembering how much better I feel when I study and work out. When I do good work and when I manage well. I’m not as regretful or remembering the pain failure, but I feel scared of forgetting why I do these things and the previous suffering I had without these habits. But then my brain activates Fear = suffering and that I should look forward to the benefits and not worry about the pain – be more forgiving about failing in my maintenance activities. 

Looking at what I’m writing, I’m a mess. I have to be more forgiving about that. I have to look forward to the day and accept it more readily. That’s a long learning curve. 

I guess I can describe the Fear and Pain is all about creating a Conditioned Response of Acceptance and Forgiveness. As for Planning and Improvement, I need to create some kind of mindful mental pleasure in doing my Planning and my Improvement. What I can imagine is just looking forward and experiencing the work of the Studies, Workout, and Planning – wondering who am I without the remembered pain of when I was weaker and more ignorant?