Game in the Brain

My wife has to do a lot of work in the office, which leads her to go home after 8. Which means I need to handle my son and his homework. When I get back home around 7:00 or before 8:00, I need to be checking my son’s assignments and preparation for the next day.

I need to spend less time in the office, as you can probably see my future in my work leads to nowhere.  The politics and the environment have no future except for the future I make for myself: through my training and certifications. 

My wife wants to advance in her work, and she needs those wins more. I don’t need those wins or any much wins at work. There are no wins to make me feel better or engaged in my job that can withstand my perspective of the next week or the following year. Any wins that I have at work feels pointless when corruption and politics are the priority at work. 

In the long listen with my wife last night of her plight, I realize I’m better suited for depression and hopelessness. Being a dreamer means being disappointed indefinitely concerning reality. The only practical use of being a dreamer can set goals and standards that exceed my capabilities.  Being an Idealist and Dreamer is using such aspirations as a guide.  I feel actualized and engaged when I take that tiny step towards those goals. 

Doing the right thing, listening, instead of providing solutions and action is forcing myself to not act on the triggering stimuli. It’s forcing myself to have my conditioned response hit a pillow or writing on a notebook. 

I’m built for this disappointment. I remember grade 5 and my teacher telling me I was a great leader and wondering why I was crying. I was crying because I lost, and I shouldn’t be a leader if I cannot make my team win. I realize winning is so zero-sum. That a leader, let’s be more specific: someone you would want to follow and trust – is someone who is there when everything sucks. I want to be someone who can look at reality with you and not deceive you about reality, but find a way to work with the problem. 

Everything has a trade-off, and mine is that I’m always thinking about letting go and having everything stripped away. The only advantage of having a frail immune system is how more quickly I can get sick and die and suffer a little less. 

Only Duty and Love keep me alive. Once these bonds are gone, I can take a long rest.